Lonely lonely that is me

Had coffee with a new friend and they sincerely asked how I differentiate between loneliness and solitude. I was a bit shocked by the question. They feel worlds different. I love being alone. I laugh at my own jokes, twerk for my pets. Perform the best musicals no one will ever see. But loneliness feels like I am in a forest and where I see trees everyone else sees fish. Loneliness feels like reading a book for book club only to arrive and everyone read the same book but the plot is different for everyone? It feels like living in a separate reality no matter how hard I try to share an experience with someone.

I have never called my friends crying as much as I did in 2025. It was bashful crying. Calling friends who lost jobs to quietly admit that everything is good, great even, but I feel a marrow-deep loneliness. I’d always been the odd person out. When I was homeschooled as a child, I would have regular meltdowns about how lonely I felt. Eventually my mom sat me down and told me to get over it. I equated loneliness with weakness.

Moving on my own to a brand-new city. I was experimenting. I tried being social in different ways; even ways I tried before and didn’t like. Returned my early 20s vibe: I found some bars I rotate through. I finally found friends with houses for hosting and I accepted as many invitations as I could. I hosted a teach-in and received nothing but love. I made friends and have a lot of amazing people in my corner in Houston.

I focused a lot on my physical health this year too. Got 30 shots in one day then 3 weekly shots to (hopefully) taper my allergies. I did pelvic floor physical therapy. Got on meds for my newly-diagnosed ADHD. I was starting to feel really good in my body in ways I had never thought possible.

Yet I was so lonely. As I entered the Fall and my 31st birthday I accepted that it was a loneliness of my own creation. The only way I found a new self was in rejection of the self that got me so far. Loneliness always finds me/you/us in self-abandonment/rejection. I know what I like. If I can’t be at home, I would like to be in someone else’s home. And if all that fails, please take me to a club where people are actually dancing. Houston, we have a problem! Y’all want to stare at a DJ all night!

I’m never lonely whenever I am open and myself. All I’m ever doing is learning who/what/where I like and who/what/where I don’t. I learned a lot about what/where/who I don’t like in 2025. And now, I’ve been running into the new year; forgiving myself what all that didn’t love me back.